Keeping an Open Heart in the Face of Disappointments
Part of being an artist is riding the natural ups and the down cycles. There will be high times (we are getting published, in shows, having sales, or accolades) and inevitable lower times (we didn’t accepted into a show or get the grant, or residency or what have you).
A while back, I watched a documentary called “How To Cook Your Life”, a film about Edward Espe Brown, a zen priest who was the head tenzo, or cook, at the Zen Buddhist retreat, Tassahara.
There were many pearls in this film, but one that struck me was when he spoke of life’s disappointments. I will paraphrase, but basically he said, that we hold in our hearts our dearest, most precious wishes for ourselves – for our happiness.
And then in life, we encounter inevitable heartbreaks and pain. When things don’t turn out the way we want we try to control or defend ourselves from the disappointment we feel.
So we begin to separate ourselves from our heart’s desires. And in doing so, we actually separate ourselves from our heart.
And while we may succeed in insulating ourselves from future disappointments, we create a much deeper chasm. We begin to feel an ache inside; a longing. And no matter how many material trophies we acquire it doesn’t go away. Because we have separated from our heart.
We all guard our hearts so zealously. We are so careful about whom we open them to. We are so afraid of breaking them.
This is an exercise in futility. In this life, the heart will break.
It will break open and grow bigger.
It will break like the sunrise. It will break like a wave. It will not be destroyed.
What destroys us is keeping our hearts locked up in armor of fear. This fear of being open and vulnerable doesn’t allow our hearts to grow.
The irony is this. We are not meant to protect out hearts. Our hearts are meant to protect us. When the heart is open and loving it is free of fear.
There is no stronger “protection” than a fearless heart.
Yearn (detail) © 2004 watercolor, acrylic, gouache on panel
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The Pernicious Inner Critic
The inner critic is something we are all familiar with. That little voice in our head that sows seeds of doubt that begin to question our creativity.
I’ve been working on a series of watercolors that I recently started to have doubts about. My inner critic started saying things like, “These colors are too basic” or “The colors aren’t sophisticated enough.” It wasn’t enough to make me stop working, but those seeds of doubt were there.
However, after seeing the Hilma af Klint’s show at the Guggenheim, I had an “a-ha” moment – we were using a very similar palette! I realized that the little voice had gained traction in my head and it was time to turn away from it and embrace the decisions I was making in my work.
It’s so easy for that inner critic to creep into the studio. Sometimes it’s helpful – it pushes us to ask questions, but it can also slowly take over and drown out our positive sense of self.
Do you struggle with an inner critic? It’s something we all experience from time to time. I invite you to share your experience in the comments below and how you have managed to turned it around.
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